I am a girl! (badfic)
by Writers of Badfic
Summary: Please note that this is badfic. My friend and I read a really bad story, but it was also hilarious. So we decided to make a fic based on that Indie
1. I turn into a girl!

**AN: DO NOT THINK THIS IS A SERIOUS STORY.**

**This is badfic, and we wrote it because we read Becoming Female and My Immortal, and...you know...we felt like making fun of them by trying to make an even worse story than them. I think we did brilliantly XD ~Luna and Indie**

"OMG," Hermione gushht on the cooll fone with me! "Draco said you're a prety boy? I'll be rite over!" She hung up on the phone.  
I criyd because I was so sad. "I want him to think I'm pretty as a girl, not a boy! I'm sad! I'm crieing!" I criyd to myself and then sudenllie! I had an ideya!  
I ate this food because food is made to eat only some food is disgisterng so you can't eat it! LOLLLLL.  
The food made you throw up but it was worth it because the food turned you into the opposite sex! LoL, you said da werd sex! Haha! Haha! So I was a girl! And I was suddenly a girl!  
I was so beautiful! Beautie is a virchu!  
I stared at myself! I had beautiful long golde shinie longg hare like a liquid waterfall! I had ono scarr! I couldn't beliv it! My eyes were the clearest blue! Like beautiful limpid tears. I decided my new name was Serenity because I was so beautiful. My eyes were the colour of the sky in the night air! I was wearing a long, pink dress and pink is my fave colour! OMG! It had tassels and made me look like a beautiful mermaid especially with my long gold hair which shimmered down my slender back! I couldn't believe how hot I was! And I'm not even being showing off! I looked like a girl version of Gilderoy Lockhart who I thought was, like, soooo hot! Like I was now! I was wearing eyeliner and red lipstick but I only liked pink lipstick! My eyes stared imploringly at myself! I suddenly wished I had pink lipstick! Pink lipstick appeared in my hand! I put on the beautiful pink lipstick and the ugly red lipstick went off! My hair was beautiful with the pink lipstick! Yay! I deciderd my new motto is lerning is forr nerds! I hated learning LOL! I was so beautieffull! My hair was so beautiefull! I new drako wud luv it! 3 I don't want to haf a /3  
Brokenn hart, geddiT?  
I sudenlie new I wuz a werwolv! I wiz so sad! Beig a Werewolf would macke my beuty less stronge! Draco walked up to the Slytherin common room and saw me!  
"OMG," he gasped. "u, mie deer, my sun off mie lif, u r sooooo botiful! Will you kis me?"  
We kissd.  
Sudenlie, my enemi, a sexist idot ron, walked inn.  
"She has to mary me!" he snarled angryly.  
"No!" I cried clinging to Drako!  
"Leave the love of my lif alone!" he said prutektivly!  
"LOL, you lost," I gigged to Ron.  
Suddnely, someone waked in!  
It was...Dumbldor!  
"OMG!" he said. "Ron, you are like so awesome! Rape her!"  
"MY name is Serenity!" I gasped.  
Drako started to cry. "Alas! Your name is oh-so-beutifull! I mean, it's pretttir than your hair, my love!"  
"Let's go one a date!" I gushed enthusiastic.  
"First I need to introduce you to the school!" said DUmbledor angryly. "Like, duh dude!" he added in a duh voice.  
"Dont u talk to my Sernerity like that!" snarled Drako.  
"Oh, Draco," I sighed, cudling up to him.


	2. The Ron Repellent

(Okay, since I wanted to write this chapter so badly, you have to forgive me, that this jumps to the Chamber of Secrets xDDD I'm sowwwy, I had to do it... And this is a BADFIC. Not meant to be offensive in any, ANY way. We wrote this, because we felt like it! I am truly sorry for those, who think that we want to insult the story or something... We don't. We appreciate the original series as much as you do. If you don't like it, you don't have to read! ~Luna, the other creator)

_Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  
Knockturn Alley  
Borgin and Burkes _

I fell out of the chimney and landed on my face. Ugh, I am SO not traveling with floo powder again. Dumbledore is totally hearing about this. My skirt is now dirty, my glasses are broken and I feel like shit. I stood up and looked around the place. DIAGON ALLEY, I FINALLY MADE IT.  
Kind of smells like old people, though.  
I scrunched up my nose and walked around the dark shop in which I had landed into. What the bloody hell is all this shit, just laying around at random spots? This doesn't look like stuff for Hogwarts.  
Suddenly, I saw a blonde figure, appear outside the shop. Ohhhh, it was Draco... Yay, I should better get out of here, before he recognizes me... I quickly ran into a random, black cabinet, totally forgetting, that I'm a supermegafoxyawesomehot girl now and without worrying what could be inside the cabinet. Draco poked his beauti- slimy head into the shop and walked inside. He was totally going to buy a MacBook Air, judging by his glancing to the spot, where the laptops stood. Draco was soon followed by Legolas Greenleaf.  
"Don't touch anything, Draco!" he hissed.  
"But I thought you were going to buy me a present..." Draco said, crossing his arms. "I want a normal laptop, not that crappy 'acer' you gave me on my birthday."  
What the actual f*ck? Was he wearing... braces? Ugh, it smelled like crap in here. I tried to find a comfortable position and peeked out of a convenient hole, so I can overhear Legolas being evil.  
Legolas flipped his hair and rolled his eyes. He ignored Draco and strutted to the counter, before pressing the bell. It would look quite sexy, if he wouldn't be like... fifty years old. Now it looked just inappropriate.  
"Oh my God, I have auditions in, like, twenty minutes, so you better make this quick." Legolas said and flipped his hair another time, "So, I'll take a strawberry milkshake and, make that two cafe lattes. Ugh, my agent is being, like, SO annoying right now."  
Oh my gosh, he's so annoying. The old man, who had just walked out of a random room and who looked TOTS like Marilyn Manson, began to give Legolas all that stuff, addressing him as . You could totally see, that he hasn't watched LOTR.  
After a while I got bored and I needed to pee, so when Draco and Legolas (while drinking his milkshake) walked out of the shop, I bolted out of the cabinet and ran on the street.  
Woah, this is SO not cool. Does the Ministry of Magic even know, what's happening to Diagon Alley? Hobos pooping everywhere... I shuddered and walked up to an old woman, who was selling used tampons or something like that.  
"Excuse me, where could I take a piss?" I asked her.  
The woman looked at me with a dirty look. Ew, I hope she's not having thoughts about raping me. I don't like rapists.  
"Ah, yes..." She sounded like she was on crack, "We have a lot of toilets there..."  
"Where?" I asked her, because she was tots being unclear.  
"HARREY!" I suddenly heard a voice. Damn, how I hate that name. I turned and saw mah homie, Hagrid, "WHAT ARE YE DOING DOWN 'ERE?"  
"Oh, hey Hagrid..." I said and waved, "I was just, er... looking for the toilet."  
"No toilet for you!" Hagrid said angrily, grabbed my by my collar and carried away from the woman.  
"WHAT THE F*CK, HAGRID?" I screamed, "I NEEDED TO TAKE A PISS."  
"Not in the Knockturn Alley, Harrey, no!" Hagrid said angrily and carried me out of there, into the light. Oh, yeah, right. THIS was the real Diagon Alley.  
"Oh, and plus - don't call me Harry. It's SERENITY." I said and crossed my arms, "By the way, what were you doing in Knockturn Alley anyway?"  
"Me?" Hagrid looked at me, "I was just buyin' the Ron Repellent."  
"Hagrid, what the bloody hell is a Ron Repellent?" I asked him, feeling confused.  
"Didn't ye know? Ron's sexist. Everyone is tryin' to avoid him!" Hagrid simply answered.  
"THAT'S BULLSHIT!" I exclaimed and threw my hands up in the air.  
"Eh, ye just didn't know it, because you were a sexist yerself." Hagrid answered and started walking.  
Right... right...


	3. OMG! A 'profesy!

OMG! Like, I cannot beliv it! Hagride said that I was sexist! OMG! Like, what? How can someone as pretty as me be sexist? I mean, I have gold hair! Not something you see everyday, huney.  
"OMG!" I ecksklaimed epically. I ran to Legolas and Draco.  
"Drakey! Drakey, my darlingg! My homie caled mee secksist! Im so sad!"  
"Too bad, sucker!" shouted Legolas. MEANIE!  
"I don't like you," I criyd, crying.  
"Don't treat my Serenity like that!" gusht Drak awesomely.  
"OMG, thax!" I cryd teerfuly.  
"NO!" screamed Legolas. "NOOO! TWO AGAINST ONE!"  
He disolvved into Mist cuz I took out my awesom wand and disolvved him. LOL, Im soooooo powerful. LIKE, OMG, I cant even, like, begin to say how much. LOL.  
Sudennlie, guess what!  
This guy caledd Prophecor Trellaunie appeerd and sed a profesy! Lol, soooooo unfashionable.  
Heer is wut she sed:  
"A boy with an ugly dress  
Will save a girl in distress"  
OMG! A BOY has an ugly dress ew ewe! Why would a boy have a dress! Ugh. So unfashionable.  
Legolas suddenly reappeared. "You are the boy in the ugly dress!" he cackled to me.  
"NOOO!" I waled like a whale!

"Wut dos da profesy mean?" ast dracko.  
"It means that I haf an ugly dress," I sed sadly.  
"I meen, da other part," he sed, "Like onsetly dude!"  
"Don't call me, Serenity, dude!" I sed all sadly and stuff.  
"Soz," he says apollojetikaly. LOLLL.  
"Is okay," I sed, all sad.  
"Watevs," he giggled. "Wanna go on a date in Hogsmeade?"  
"OMG yes!" I shouted. "I herd Rihanna is playing the violin there!"  
"OMG, Rihanna plays the violin, like, sooooo good."  
"OMG! She rox at da violin! And she's soooo hawt!" drac exlaimed.  
I wuz sudellie sad.  
"Wut," said Drac,'  
"U sed she wuz hawt. I thout u likd me," I sed all sad.  
"Sorry," said Draco. "Do not worry, my dear Serenity, u r da lite of ma lif, not Rihanna!"  
"Yay!" I said and we went to da concert! At da end, Draco and Rihanna were best friends! I got a sigature from Drak and Rihanna! An d Drac wuz sooooo happy to finally meet Rihanna! YAY!  
RIhanna sed she luved my dres, omg! And she told us about the profesy! RIhaana rox! And she told us she has cruch on Robert Patterson and Gerard Way! OMG they're both so hawt! I luv lif!  
My new BFF Rihanna did my hair so its even butifuller den b4! I cant beliv! She styld it into the shape of a cigarrete! Rihanna is so much kooler den Hillary Duff LOL.


	4. Back to Hogwarts

Ermahgerd, that Rihanna concert was just fab. I think I'm going to keep my hair like that forever. Well, anywhore, after the concert, we went back to Hogwarts.  
I plopped down on the chair in the Great Hall. My ass hurts. Probably from sitting in that black cabinet for so long. I looked around the Hall and spotted someone new at the teachers table. Oh, right, that was Gilderoy Lockhart! He was dressed up like a cowboy and looked TOTS like Clint Eastwood!  
"Hey, but where's Hermione?" I asked Ron, because I just realized, that she wasn't here.  
"I ordered her to do all the shopping for us." Ron laughed evilly, 'cause he was a sexist idiot. "That's what women are for."  
"SHUT THE F*CK UP RON, THAT'S SEXIST!" Ginny screamed and started to throw plates and cups at his head.  
I'll have to ask Hagrid for the Ron Repellent.  
Then, Dumbledore came to say his boring speech. The only interesting thing was, that he had only pink underwear with polka dots on. He coughed dramatically and with a dramatic movement of his hand, turned off all the candles, which caused many loud screams, so he turned them back on. I didn't know, that Hogwarts candles were actually ran by electricity.  
"Welcome, to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry! We have a few important announcements for this year! First of all-"  
"Yes, Dumbledore, we all know, that you're secretly homo!" Fred called across the hall.  
Dumbledore cursed under his breath, but soon regained confidence and straightened his pink underwear.  
"Well, if anyone wants to know, I'm still single and looking for a man!" he continued, "Now, to the next news! We have a new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, who is totally skilled in this sphere - GILDEROY LOCKHART!"  
Gilderoy came forward and bowed down. Wow, he looked so smart and confident. I clapped enthusiastically, while the sexists idiots, like Ron, just sat there, looking grumpy as hell.  
After Gilderoy had bowed a few more times and said an inspirational speech, about, how his duty is to teach children how to protect themselves from rapists, like the old lady in Diagon Alley or Ron in the future, Dumbledore started to speak again.  
"Mr. Filch also wants to remind you, that Draco Malfoy is strictly forbidden to Pansy Parkinson."  
HA, that's what that slut deserved!


	5. Sexist Ron Flies Away

"We should visit Hagrid today." suggested Hermione.  
"Yeah." I agreed. It has been a few days, since we arrived at Hogwarts. Everything is boring, as always. And no one suspects, that I'm Harry Potter. Seriously, everyone calls me Serenity. I like that. Sexy name for a sexy girl - like me.  
"Ha-Serenity, here is your Potions test." Hermione handed me a piece of parchment. I took it excitedly and read it.  
"Troll.  
u r a feggit.  
Snape."  
Ugh, Dumbledore is TOTS hearing about this. Speaking of Potions, Snape has begun to watch Twilight and stuff himself with doughnuts during the lessons. He doesn't even fucking check our tests, just gives everyone a 'T' and that's it. Even Slytherins.  
Disgusting.  
After a while, I decided to take Ron with us. OMG, worst decision ever. He tried to sexually harass three girls, on our way to Hagrid's. It really pissed Hermione off, she tried to argue, but Ron just said, that she's a woman, so she has to shut up and she must not tell a man what to do.  
"SHUT UP RON, YOU'RE SEXIST!" I screamed at him and linked elbows with Hermione. We left that sexist idiot behind, but even with that, he continued to walk to Hagrid's. He's probably just bored to death. I still can't believe, that I didn't notice how sexist he was earlier!  
"What's up, Hagrid?" I asked, trying to sound a little gangsta, because I'm awesome.  
Hagrid was about to answer, but his eyes widened, when he saw Ron and he exclaimed:  
"GO AWAY, YE SEXIST FREAK! RON REPELLENT!" Then he went all psycho and started to spray it everywhere, but he had horrible aim, so he got Hermione, not Ron. Ron started to laugh and flied away on Buckbeak. Well, that's f*cked up  
Hermione started to cry, because Hagrid had sprayed it in her eyes. He apologized, but Hermione went all dosy and we had to take her to the hospital wing.  
"By the way, Hagrid." I asked him, while walking back from the hospital wing, "What's in that Ron Repellent anyway?"  
"Well..." Hagrid looked thoughtful, "The merchant who sold it to meh, said that it has - spider legs, a bit of muggle washing powder and something like that..."  
Geez, no wonder Hermione had to get to the hospital wing. HE SPRAYED THE F*CKING THING IN HER EYES.  
"Hagrid, you have horrible aim." I stated the obvious.


	6. Detention

Hagrid eventually went back to his hut, but I decided to walk around Hogwarts corridors a bit. Oh, have I mentioned, that I hear weird, seductive voices in the hallways, like: "Hello stranger, wanna make love?" I have a feeling, that it could be Filch. Meh, I always knew, that he's homo. Suddenly, I heard a voice again, but this time, it came from a person behind me:  
"Well, well, well Serenity. What are you doing here again, disturbing the peace?"  
I turned around, to see Snape, greasy as ever , but quite plump this time. Hah, that's what you get, after eating ten jars of nutella every day. That's why I DON'T eat nutella, 'cause I don't want to get fat and greasy, like Snape.  
"Oh, Snape, trying to be the Hogwarts hero again, yes?"  
"I wouldn't be so condescending, if I were you, Potter." Snape answered and pulled out a parchment out of his pocket, "To my office, now."  
Ugh, Dumbledore is TOTS hearing about this. Tbh, I don't even remember the last time I talked to him. He's probably in his club '_Gay is pride'. _I rolled my eyes and walked- no, strutted to his office.  
Snape told me to sit down the opposite of him, while he put the parchment on the table, sighing over - dramatically.  
"Alright, let's see here. Violation one - walking in a 'no-walking' zone."  
Okay, what the actual f*ck? Since when it's illegal to walk, I mean strut through the corridors? Okay, Fluffy in the fourth floor is an exception, but he should be gone by now.  
"Violation two - pissing off the sexist alliance."  
"Wait, what?" I asked and leaned forward. Who the f*ck invented these rules? "What do you mean by 'sexist alliance'?"  
"Oh, so you don't know." Snape smirked, being the evil little shit he is, "Ron has made a sexist alliance called 'The Sexist Alliance'. He's the leader and Hagrid tried to spray the 'Ron Repellent' at him today and you did nothing about it. Now, everyone who pisses him off, gets detention. "  
"THAT'S SEXIST!" I screamed.  
"Uh, duh, that's the point. Alright, violation three - kicking three first years between the legs."  
"Hey, now THEY started that."  
Oh, I remember that time.  
I was sitting at the dinner table and chatting with Ginny about how could we stop Ron from being sexist. Then, suddenly those three dudes, first years I guess, came up to me and asked:  
"Are you a guy?"  
That was pretty much it.  
Snape just rolled his eyes and looked at the parchment.  
"And finally..."  
"Wait, what do you mean 'finally', that's it, isn't it?"  
"No, no, there's one more... Verbally insulting the potions master."  
"FUCK OFF I NEVER DID THAT!" I screamed. That's it, I'm going to Dumbledore- but then I realized, what had I just did.  
"OOOHHHH, YOU BASTARD." I hit the table with my fist.  
"Hehehehe, you're going down, fool!" Snape laughed evilly and wrote down a few more notes, "Choose your punishment - fifty bucks or go to Azkaban."  
"I choose Azkaban." There is no way, I'm spending fifty bucks on this shit. I need them for clothes.


	7. Snape isn't actually sexist!

"I can't believe this!" I said stepping into azbakan. "I bet This place doesn't have pink toilets!"  
"It doesnt have pink toilets!" said sexist ron in the other cell.  
I gasped. "It's sexist Ron! But I thought he was arrested!"  
"I was arrested!" cackled sexist Ron,  
"SHUT UP RON YOURE SEXIST!" I yelled at Ron who winked at me sexistly.  
Suddenly a guard walked over and handed me orange clothes! I gasped.  
"YOU EXPECT ME TO WEAR THESE? THAT'S SEXIST!"  
"But I am sexist dear."  
OMG, Dumbledore is TOTES hearing about this. I cant believe how sexist everyone is!  
"Why cant I keep on my beautiful clothes! I would have chose 50 bucks if I knew about this!" I lied. I mean why would I waste a valuable 50 bucks?  
"Bucks? But in England, we use pounds, my dear," the guard who's name was Sexist (I read his name tag, stupid!) said sexistly.  
"Isn't Hogwarts in Wales?" I said sexily, trying to flirt my way out of jail.  
BTW, sexily is NOT the same as sexistly and if you think it is then F*CK OFF!  
Sexist fell at my knees! "Oh beautiful love! I will let you out of jail!"  
"OMGGGG! It worked!" I squealed as Sexist kissed me.  
"NOOO!" waled Sexist Ron. Then he used his sexist super powers to pull me into jail! And Snape was there!  
"Hagrid is bigger then me so he put me in jale!" cried Sexist Snape.  
"THAT'S SEXIST!" I cried, before realising that Snape was also sexist but I didn't care because he looked sexy! So now he's sexy, not sexist!  
"Ron, your clothes are ugly!" I said.  
"Yes," snape agreed sexily but not sexistly because he didn't look sexist, only sexy!  
"Don't you love Rihanna?" I asked sexily.  
"Yes," said Snape back sexily.  
"NO." said Ron sexistly.  
"SHUT UP RON, YOURE SEXIST!" me and Un-Sexist Snape cried together. "SEXIST PEOPLE SHOULD DISAPPEAR!"  
And Ron disappeared off the face off the flat universe!  
"Yay! The sexist idiot is gone!" cheered me and snape simulteniuslie!  
Then we kissed! Snape isn't actually sexist!


	8. Gilderoy Saves the Day!

Ugh, I've been stuck in this prison cell for like FOREVER. It stinks like piss here and Snape ran away. Well, thank God that fat idiot is gone. He was such a faggot, for giving me detention. Suddenly, I heard a voice from the opposite cell.  
"Serenity, we finally meet."  
"Who the f*ck is talking?" I asked quite loudly, because it was so dark in here.  
"Sirius Black."  
"Oh, aren't you the killer, who murdered my parents?" I asked him.  
"I SO did not." Sirius stepped into the light, who came from the only lamp between all the cells. Wow, he looked kinda hot, even though I knew, that he is my godfather. I TOTS figured that out so much earlier. I mean, how stupid do you think I am?  
Then he told me the true story, how Peter Pettigrew helped to kill my parents and how he was such a sexist, and how he is actually Ron's rat, Scabbers.  
"And that's how I ended up in here. In Azkaban. Or as I like to call it, Azkaban."  
"THAT'S SEXIST!" I screamed and banged my head against a wall.  
Sirius sadly bowed his head.  
"I believe, that Ron is associating with Peter Pettigrew now and that's why he has decided to become sexist."  
"THAT SEXIST BASTARD!" I screamed. God damn it, how come I didn't realize it earlier? I mean, Fred and George showed me Ron, while he is sleeping, in the Marauder's map, and it turned out, that he's sleeping with a man called 'Peter Pettigrew'. At first, we thought that he's probably gay and we have to respect his sexuality, but now it turns out, that he's such a sexist!  
Suddenly, we heard a BANG and one of the walls fell down. It was Gilderoy Lockhart and he was flying on Buckbeak!  
"Do not fear, I have come to save you!" He called.  
"Gilderoy, you're our hero!" I cried and jumped on Buckbeak, but unfortunately, the guards had spotted the hole in the wall and were now holding Sirius back from escaping.  
"I'll take care of this!" shouted Lockhart and pulled out his wand. He jumped off of Buckbeak and did some super awesome moves and shot spells at the guards. He looked TOTS like Indiana Jones.  
Meanwhile, Sirius had already gotten on Buckbeak.  
"Gilderoy, let's go!" I cried, because more and more guards were coming.  
"Wait, I have to make a dramatic exit!" Gilderoy shouted.  
That's totally heroic. We waited patiently, but we were forced to fly a few feet away, because everyone was shooting spells at us.  
"You will always remember the day you almost caught - GILDEROY LOCKHART!" Gilderoy screamed and jumped out of the hole in the wall and happily landed on Buckbeak's back.  
We happily flied back to Hogwarts and planned on finding and arresting Ron.


	9. Gilderoy wins the show!

After we EASILY captured Ron, because we're just that awesome, I went to dumbledor and demanded a talent show! "Yes," he sed. "That will be nice." So we had a talent show! I played the violin, even though I have no idea how, but i still played it as beautifully as rihanna! Draco was so amazing even tho i like gilderoy way more! Draco gave a speech about the dangers of sexist people! Snape got so mad, ohmygerd. And there I was, thinking he wasn't sexist! :O Here's what draco said! "Sexist people are messed up and MEANIES! I think sexist people deserve azkaban!" We clapped and i was so sure drac won! Then snape went and gave a speech about how cool sexist people are! He was TOTS being inappropriate because he kept looking at me! Then Dumbledor went and he did a strip tease! I thought dumbledor did the best act! Then those SLUTS Parvatay and lavenderr did a speech about their boyfrends! They kept flirting with Snape! ew! THAT'S SEXIST! Finally, at the end, gilderoy went on stage (dumbledore made gilderoy go on stage last because Dumbledor's SEXIST! :( ). He stole the show cause guess what he did! Another dramatic entrance and he TOTS did it well! He flew out on a sexist hippogriff and then came bak in on a throne! Sirius was pushing the throne and I TOTS felt jealous! And Loki was pushing it too! You won't believe it! Loki summoned my boyfriend drac to push gilderoy (who TOTS looked like robin patterson and gerard way!) Gilderoy jumped off the throne and sang mily cyruses new hit single! Everyone screamed and clapped! When he finished the song, he picked up a pile of time turners (I created time turners so i no what they are!) and threw one to each person in the crowd! I tucked in my time turner so that I can go to daddy and mommys time later! But then I thot 'why not do it now' so I went back in time! I saw remus who looked TOTS like Daniel Radcliffe and sirius who looked just exactly like the hot gary oldman! 3 3 And then i saw james-he looked like ben barnes! And i saw lily! She looked exactly like bella thorn! And peter, that sexist rat looked just exactly like a sexist ran! "Hi, Daniel! Hi Gary! Hi Ben! Hi Bella! Hi Rat!" I said happily. 


End file.
